ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
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My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.