ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
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SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I forgot how to panic. Help
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call