ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
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Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
men, we mow at sunrise.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat