Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
😂 amazing answer
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Finally!