ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
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how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I…do not understand how electricity works.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
this is the greatest thing ever
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My neck, my back, my…
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.