Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.