Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
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HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?