There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock