My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
The options really are this bad
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
He’s cranky this morning
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
How to make infinite energy.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls