Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.