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google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
starting a garage orchestra
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.