ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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I think we should hear other voices.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
what’s really going on
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir