Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
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We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I have written yet another poem about laundry
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer