DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
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Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg