I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
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Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.