I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
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“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you