me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I’m crying im so happy for them
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.