@petemandik: ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
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@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Carol's hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I'd LOVE u to do that ME: Ok [next day] ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don't get it either
@PJTLynch:  "Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?" Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
@Carbosly: No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account. I'm good.
@Reverend_Scott: Carl: Perfect weather tonight. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet. Me: Fair enough.