ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
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Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.