[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
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Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.