Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
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Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
LMAO.