Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
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The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen