BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
A classic…
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets