Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
getting corrected
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?