Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them