Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
What the hell happened in there??
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…