MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
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Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
So glad we cleared that up
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays