Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
You Might Also Like
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Ferrari squats
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?