I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
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I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.