@somecleverthing: Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

@SLorenzen62: Laundry is racist!! Must separate the whites from the colors!! No delicates allowed? Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

@OhNoSheTwitnt: 50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

@Marlebean: "If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus." What I actually said: "Yes, Claire, you're makeup looks lovely today!"

@ch000ch: ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight? HER: no not yet!! i'm totally free and available ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do