I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
You Might Also Like
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
goldfish mafia
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.