Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
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My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
How actors in movies eat their food
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”