Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
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Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’