Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
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Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.