ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully