ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
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Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.