Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
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Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn鈥檛 you recommend it sooner?
Me: It鈥檚 the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I鈥檝e asked you to stop saying that
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she鈥檚 getting ready to visit grandma too.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
馃幍Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR馃幎
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn鈥檛 there, leaves*
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 馃槀
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don鈥檛 understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.