Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
LMAO.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
man i love columbo
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.