Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
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Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
this isn’t threatening at all
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
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