Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
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9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.