Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
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First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
couldn’t resist
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.