Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
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Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.