Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
You Might Also Like
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
this is the greatest thing ever
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me