The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
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Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.