Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
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To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
The best plant holders?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.