Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.