absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
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[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.