(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
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WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.