6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
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[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching: