ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.