ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader